McCain’s secret tapes: inside the Palin decision

Agents of Goldstein is offering our readers an exclusive look deep inside the McCain campaign at the very moment when the decision was made to name Sarah Palin the pick for VP.  The below is an exclusive transcript of a secret audio recording made of a meeting held in John McCain’s home.  Please do not e-mail me asking how I obtained the tape; I cannot tell you without risking my sources.  Let’s just say my source is very, very close to the McCain campaign’s inner circle.  

MALE ASSISTANT: So, we’re done, it’s decided.  Lieberman it is.  

JOHN MCCAIN: Fine.  Whatever.  Someone get me some more pinot grigio.

MALE ASSISTANT: Well, sir, it’s your call.  If you have reservations about Lieberman, better you tell…

JOHN MCCAIN: For the sweet love of Christ, can someone get me some more pinot grigio?!

FEMALE ASSISTANT:  Sorry, senator.  The corkscrew got stuck…

JOHN MCCAIN:  How long does it take you to open a bottle of wine?  Mother of Jesus, what is wrong with you?

(sound of liquid being poured into a glass.)

JOHN MCCAIN (CONTINUED): Damn.  All right.  Sorry I got mad there.  I’m just, you know…damn, that’s good stuff.  What is that, Italian?  Are all pinot grigios Italian?  I think they are.  Now that’s what daddy likes!  

(long pause, sound of someone drinking from a glass)

JOHN MCCAIN (CONTINUED): Look, the thing about Lieberman is, sort of, we’ve all been there already… Snoozefest.  Know what I mean?  Damn!  This is good wine!  You know, when I was a prisoner of war, you know what got me through all those years?  The one thing that got me through it?  

FEMALE ASSISTANT:  Your, uh, your love of country?

JOHN MCCAIN:  It was pinot grigio.  The idea that, one day, I’d be able to sit back again with a bottle and, just, you know…

MALE ASSISTANT:  Really?  It wasn’t, like, I don’t know, scotch?  

(silence)

JOHN MCCAIN: Excuse me?  Is there a problem with pinot grigio?

MALE ASSISTANT: No.  Not at all!  I was just, look I didn’t mean to offend you, senator, I was just…

JOHN MCCAIN: Because I am ten times the man you are!  I will…look, I will mess you up!  

MALE ASSISTANT:  Sir, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…

JOHN MCCAIN:  I will seriously mess your shit up.  You want to go?  Seriously, you want to step outside this motherfucker and go?  

FEMALE ASSISTANT: Senator, he’s sorry.  Look, we have to make a decision on VP.  We have to wrap this up tonight, senator.  Please…

JOHN MCCAIN: Another glass, all right?  

FEMALE ASSISTANT: Senator…

JOHN MCCAIN:  Another glass!

(sound of liquid being poured into a glass.)

MALE ASSISTANT: I think Lieberman is a great choice.  He’s likable, he’s a maverick, he even has the minority thing going for him, sorta…

JOHN MCCAIN:  Who else we got?  Let me see the list.

(sound of papers shuffling.)

JOHN MCCAIN (CONTINUED):  Wait a second, who’s this?  Who’s this Sarah Palin?  

FEMALE ASSISTANT:  The governor of Alaska.  Senator, she’s, I, personally don’t think she’s ready.  A few more years, maybe…

JOHN MCCAIN:  A babe, though.  

MALE ASSISTANT:  Yeah, a MILF.

FEMALE ASSISTANT:  Jesus, did you really just…?  A MILF?  Come on… 

JOHN MCCAIN:  A what?  

MALE ASSISTANT:  Stands for mother I’d like to…flirt with.  You know.  It’s a way to say an older woman is hot.  

JOHN MCCAIN:  You think she likes pinot grigio?  I should send her a bottle of this stuff…  Is she, is she married?  I’m just curious.

FEMALE ASSISTANT:  She is, but senator, Palin has no experience. I don’t even know why she’s on the list.  

JOHN MCCAIN: She’s the one.

MALE ASSISTANT:  Sir, Joe Lieberman has been thoroughly vetted, and…

(sound of someone drinking then slamming a wine glass down on a table.)

JOHN MCCAIN:  Did you hear me, fuckstick?  She’s the one.

FEMALE ASSISTANT:  Look, maybe we better reconvene in the morning.  We’re all tired.  

JOHN MCCAIN: Give me the phone.  Someone give me the phone.  What’s her number?

MALE ASSISTANT: Sir…really.

JOHN MCCAIN:  I’m an American hero, goddamnit, somebody hand me their damn Blackberry!  

FEMALE ASSISTANT:  Sir, I really think we should…

JOHN MCCAIN: Is dialing Alaska like an international call or something?  Do I need to dial 011 first?  Oh, wait!  It’ ringing…  Hey, is this Sarah?

 

IMPORTANT UPDATE:  Turns out, there’s a secret video of what really went down!

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One Response to McCain’s secret tapes: inside the Palin decision

  1. Pingback: McCain and the VPILF: video of the Palin pick « Agents of Goldstein

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